About Juan Verde

Juan Verde is former military, although the nature and thrust of his missions are highly classified. Suffice it to say if the world ends tomorrow, Verde will be the one low crawling through your front yard to steal your pork and beans from the garage shelf where you keep canned goods. Selah.

Zombie Survival Skills: Building A Fire Without Giving Away Your Location (The Dakota Fire Pit)

So, presumably you’d like to be warm, since being cold sucks donkey nuts.  The problem, of course, are the hordes of undead walking around seeking brains from which to carve a snack.  You’ve got to have fire, but you’ve also got to be on the down low about it.  I’ve got a solution for you.  It’s called a Dakota Fire Pit.  Peep the knowledge:

First, dig a hole about twelve inches deep and wide.  Then, dig another hole about six inches wide a couple of feet away and in the direction of the prevailing wind.  Connect the two underground using your trowel, or a stick, or something.  It’s a frigging zombie apocalypse people, use your imagination.  It should look like this:

Dakota Fire Pit

I don’t actually recommend hanging your socks over your soup, but you get the idea.  The advantages of the Dakota Fire Pit are numerous.  First, you get concealable fire.  That’s a no-brainer.  Secondly, since the fire is contained and beneath ground, and it’s being fed by a restricted air flow, the fire will consume less fuel.  That’s helpful if there isn’t much to work with, or if you’re too lazy to gather a bunch of wood.

Yet another benefit is that the fire will burn much hotter than an above-ground fire.  It will heat water faster, cook meals better, etc.  You’ve essentially mimicked the design of those fancy new cooking contraptions they’ve come up with now, or rather they’ve mimicked the design of the good ole Dakota Fire Pit.

Zombie Pooping: Three Ways To Manage Doo Doo When the SHTF

Superdome Doo Doo?  Super GrossSo, you might have seen the pictures of the aftermath of the Superdome following Hurricane Katrina.  If not, I’ve included one lovely shot to the left there, just for your viewing pleasure. That’s poop on the ground.  As in excrement.  Why would I do such a thing?  To make a point.  People lose their f’n minds when SHTF, but soon after, when SHTG (ground), people start getting diseases and dysentery and die a horrible death, only to come back as brain-craving zombies and cause more shenanigans (not really sure about that part, but I digress).  It can all be avoided with a little forethought.

First, what not to do.  The next time your power goes out, check if your toilet still flushes.  If not, don’t use it.  Also, if you know that your toilet will flush, but that the sewage goes to a treatment plant that is powered by electricity, don’t use the toilet.  Things will get ugly quickly.

Best case scenario, if you maintain a clean toilet, you can have it filled up to give you a gallon or two of drinking water (from the tank, not the bowl sillies) for a real worst case scenario.  But that plan goes to shit (pardon the pun) as soon as you get a massive terd pie stuck in the toilet bowl.  Here are three ways to keep that from happening:

1) The two-bucket method: This is great for people who live in high-rise apartments or urban centers.  You need two five gallon buckets and a bunch of cheap-o trash bags (buy them in bulk from Sam’s Club).  In the first bucket, you go out and find some dirt.  Fill it up and bring it back to the house.  In the second bucket, you line it with a trash bag and take a poop.  When you’re done, scoop some dirt out and cover the doo doo.  When the bucket is full, take it downstairs and empty it somewhere (try a dumpster).  It’s easy to get rid of the trash bags if you keep it to 3-4 terds per bag.  You can also seal them tightly with duct tape and leave them in the bath tub if it’s unsafe to go outside for a short period of time.

2) Slit trenches. If you’re displaced and in a temporary camping situation, this is the method for you.  You’re going to dig a trench, only a foot or so deep, and no wider than you can straddle.  Then, you’ll squat and poop.  Simple.  Leave the dirt to the side and you can cover the deuce when you’re done to avoid stench and flies.  Make sure you don’t place the slit trench within 100 yards of a water supply from which you will drink or bathe, and not uphill from your camp (when it rains, you’ll have a shitty situation).  Also, this method isn’t great when you have high water tables or flooded and marshy conditions.  Nobody wants worms in the gut.

3) Raised latrines. This method works great on rocky terrain, and in places where the water table is too high for using slit trenches.  It does require some materials, but I’ve seen it done with very little.  Essentially, you’re going to build a very rudimentary outhouse to support your butt, and a metal container to catch your doo doo.  Then, you’re going to burn it Vietnam style when you’re full.  That’s why they used this method in Vietnam, because of the marshy conditions.  Now you get it.

I wrote this post to prove to a friend that I could.  He was being a wise ass when I asked for topic requests and said “How should I take a S in the zombie apocalypse?”  I think I’ve actually provided some value here, so I’m cool.  Challenge accepted.  Challenge slayed.


Juan Verde live audio from KIIS Australia

I recently had the opportunity to interview with one of Australia’s leading morning shows about prepping, and some of the preparations that I’ve made.  Now, it’s a morning show, so the level of academia is low, but it’s worth a few chuckles.  Check it out.