Camouflage Tips for the Zombie Apocalypse

SF-sniper-student-stalkingThere are a few principles about camouflage which are regularly accepted as “the core.”  They might even save your salty ass from becoming zombie jerky, assuming zombies can’t smell your still-functioning brain and munch down on you by smell alone.  Here’s what I would do if I had to camouflage myself in a hurry:

1) Break up your shape.  Most camo patterns are intended to do exactly that, break up the outline of a human being.  Doing anything to this effect will make you  harder to spot.  You can tape a shrub to your groin and achieve the same effect…eh, sans mobility I guess.  Also, add dark color to any high areas of your face (nose, forehead, cheek bones) and add light colors to any low areas.

2) Lose the bling. Anything shiny is bad ju ju and will get you eaten like a plate of fried chicken in Mississippi.  Take off your watch, lose the necklace, cover your optics, take off your glasses, and rub some mud on that big-ass forehead.

3) Don’t silhouette yourself.  Hide on the top of a hill with the white cloudy sky at your back and it won’t matter how good your camouflage is.  You’re as good as zombie chow.  Always avoid situations where there is a backdrop, whether it be a light or a solid color, to highlight your silhouette.

4) Be still and quiet. I’ve seen many a soldier spend hours upon hours applying that perfect coat of face paint only to give themselves away with a sneeze.  (Hint: if you have to sneeze, try saying “grapefruit” under your breath at the top of your inhale.  Seriously, works every time).  Freaking be still already and stop fidgeting like a little girl before a potty break.

5) Use the correct colors.  Seriously, you wouldn’t believe the stories about people using desert colors in the woods if I told you.  I can’t make this stuff up.  Use colors that exist in the environment in which you are trying to hide.  Please.  And take the wheat stalks off of your hat when you move into the forest.  Nothing is more conspicuous than a patch of wheat walking through the pine trees.

That’s enough for now.  I’m not trying to turn you into the Predator here, just help you survive long enough to learn something.  If you’ve got to move, it’s always easier to do it by night (assuming there is enough moonlight to navigate by) where camo doesn’t matter so much.  Still, avoid silhouetting yourself in the dark also.  They can still see you.

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About Juan Verde

Juan Verde is former military, although the nature and thrust of his missions are highly classified. Suffice it to say if the world ends tomorrow, Verde will be the one low crawling through your front yard to steal your pork and beans from the garage shelf where you keep canned goods. Selah.

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